The journey of grief has been compared by some to that of an unplanned journey to a foreign country.
The grieving person suddenly finds him or herself thrust into an unfamiliar territory which is both frightening and unsettling.
This journey is the grieving process that follows after experiencing a major loss, life changing event or significant life challenge.
Knowing that grief is a normal response to a loss or a normal response to an abnormal event can offer some solace to the distraught and disoriented journeyer. The knowledge that others have survived the terrifying journey of grief can be very helpful to someone traveling the unknown roads of the grieving process.
The Journey of Grief Is Filled with Unexpected Curves
The route traveled on the journey of grief differs from person to person and from loss to loss. The journeyer embarks on this trip without a compass and without any clear direction. The path is often perilous, filled with difficulties, twists, turns and unexpected setbacks. There are steep hills to climb, rushing streams to ford and deep ravines to somehow cross.
The journey of grief can be a lengthy one for the grieving traveler; it may take weeks, months, years, or even a lifetime. The length of the journey depends on the person, the nature of the loss, event or challenge and their coping strategies and skills.
The Private Journey of Grief
Martha Whitmore Hickman, author of Healing After Loss: Daily Meditations for Working Through Grief, a popular book on the healing process following a loss, wrote that
Grief is on one of the great common experiences of human beings, and yet sometimes
We feel so alone in our sadness.
The journey of grief following a major loss, a life changing event or a significant life challenge is a very personal and many times also a very private one. Each person travels his or her own unique grief journey feeling very much alone in the process. Unfortunately, no one else can make the journey for the grieving traveler, or can spare them from having to take the trip.
Traveling the Journey of Grief
Even though each grieving person must travel his or her own unique journey through grief, sometimes the journeyer meets others on the trail. These fellow travelers may join them for a brief stretch of the path as they move along the journey of grief.
With luck these are seasoned grief travelers who have found their way through similar trails and can offer sage advice. These seasoned journeyers may share their compass and their hard-earned wisdom for navigating the difficult trails; they may even disclose a preferred hidden route for traveling the journey of grief.
Helpful Tools to Navigate the Journey of Grief
Learning how to live again following a life challenge frequently require marshaling all of the grieving person’s inner strength just to make it through the day.
When coping with an overwhelming loss, focusing on the basics necessities—food, sleep and exercise—and caring for oneself become key elements for traveling on the Journey of Grief.
The following acronym TAKE CARE can be used to remind the grief traveler to focus on the basics following a significant life changing.
- Time that is needed to survive the grief.
- Avoid alcohol and other medications.
- Keep to some routine or schedule.
- Eat a balanced diet, focusing on healthy foods and water.
- Converse with others, especially those that have ‘been there’ and 'survived that.'
- Artistic ways of coping – journaling, building, crafting, knitting and others.
- Rest and Sleep are important coping strategies.
- Exercise to reduce stress and improve mood.
Several additional beneficial resources for navigating the journey of grief include camaraderie, comforting activities and recalling prior loss experiences.
Being around people and doing things that are nurturing and comforting can be very helpful to getting through the grieving process. Remembering prior losses and remember the skills and the strengths allows the grieving traveler to use any positive strategies used the last time to cope with a loss.
Surviving the Journey of Grief
While progressing through the grief journey, the grief traveler draws on internal resources and discovers sources of strength.
The Chinese have an expression: you can only enter half way into the dark forest before you begin to come out the other side.
At some point in the journey of grief or the walk through the darkness of the forest, the grieving person reaches the halfway point and begin coming out of the other side. On this journey of grief the grieving traveler starts by coping with the loss, then moves through the physical and emotional grieving process to finally reach the point of transitioning into a life forever changed by the loss.
Living with the Loss
Noted Death and Dying expert, Dr. Elisabeth Kubler Ross offered this advice about mourning:
People in mourning have to come to grips with death before they can live again. Mourning can go on for years and years. It doesn't end after a year, that's a false fantasy.
It usually ends when people realize that they can live again, that they can concentrate their energies on their lives as a whole, and not on their hurt, and guilt and pain.
With time, the grief traveler realizes that he or she will survive the loss and shifts the focus from the sorrow of the loss to living with the loss. The grieving traveler finds the strength to begin living again, despite the loss.
Becoming a Sage Grief Traveler
After surviving a journey of grief, the journeyer becomes a sage grief traveler, who is now able to offer advice, wisdom and share a compass with others facing their own unexpected grief journey. They come to know what all grief survivors know that grief is a powerful, common and universal feeling, but it is survivable.
Kirsti A. Dyer - Kirsti A. Dyer MD, MS, FT is a respected physician, health educator, professor, author and lecturer.
